Today is the day that I let go. I am letting it all go. What may you ask am I letting go? I'm letting go of the old me. Let's be honest, the old me is dead. Multiple Sclerosis killed her and there is no going back. Melody who once existed is gone. No matter how hard I try to revive her and bring her back...it's all in vain. It's all in vain and I am finally letting her go. I guess you could say I killed her.
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| Me a few years back dressed up for Halloween! | | |
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| Happier times. Ron, me and the boys went fishing and I caught one! |
For those of you who are new to my blog, my health is pretty bad. Not only do I have MS, but I also have heart problems. Right now I am trying to get enough money together to have an Aortic Valve replacement. My share of the surgery is $1900 and I have to pay it before they will schedule my surgery. I also have gout, gastroparesis, diverticulitis, and am an insulin-dependent diabetic. I have a LOT of things stacked against me.
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| Me in one of my hospital stays. |
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| Just me in the hospital again. |
Anyway, I am happily married to Ron, who is a disabled veteran (USMC). I have a 20 year old son named Brandon, but everyone calls him "Bubba" or "Bub". We also have a 14 year old autistic son who I am the main caregiver for. Ronny functions on about a 5-6 year old level.
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| Me and Ron kissing. |
Anyway, my whole goal in life....my dream since I was a little girl was to be a wife and momma. My greatest joy was being a housewife. I loved "keeping house". When Ron and I first got married, I woke up early every morning to cook Ron a nice homemade breakfast. While he was at work, I baked fresh bread. I made everything from scratch. I washed our clothes in a washtub with a scrub board, using the detergent I had made earlier. I kept our home super tidy and cared for the kids and played with them and loved them. When Ron came home from work, I would have a nice meal set for him at the table. When he needed a cup of coffee, I jumped up to get it for him. This might sound crazy to a lot of people but I LOVED it. It brought me such joy to care for my family. It might sound very old fashioned to some but I am an old fashioned person and life was wonderful.
All that began to change as my MS got worse and worse. My heart began to fail and I had NO energy. If you don't have MS or a heart disease, there is no way I can explain how exhausted I can get from just a short walk (from the bed to my desk). I am at the point now that I cannot even take care of my everyday needs on my own.
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| One of my bad days. Sick with fever and in a lot of pain. |
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| What I spend much of the day doing...sleeping. |
Ron has to help me to and from the bathroom. He has to help me sit down on the toilet and when I am done, he helps me up. My legs just won't work for me anymore. My limbs are so very weak that I am super limited on what I can and can't do. I went a month without being able to shower. I took daily sponge-baths but it is just not the same. My leg hairs and underarm hairs were getting so long and I hated it. I began to get depressed so Ron has begun coming to my desk and shaving my legs for me (and my underarms) so I can feel better about myself. Two nights ago, Ron sat up my shower chair and helped me into the shower and he helped me take a shower. My arms are so weak that taking a shower on my own is nearly impossible. I don't have the energy or strength to wash on my own. He gave me a shower and washed and conditioned my hair for me. I was so sick of the dry shampoo that I nearly cried while having my shower. It felt so good.
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| After my shower....with clean hair. Yay! |
The shower felt wonderful but at the same time it depressed me. How did I get from being the woman who takes care of everyone to the person who can't even bathe herself? To be honest, I am totally disgusted with myself! I am scared of the future. What my future will look like....
Do I even have a future anymore. I don't want to be a further burden on my family....
I have been grieving so long over my diagnosis and my life. I guess you can only grieve for so long. I have been grieving for what I once was and the thing I am now. In loss, we have to finally acknowledge the one is gone and try to move on. That is what I am doing today. I am finally ready to let her go. I cannot continue to live with this deep hate for myself; with this deep depression. I have to let go.
I wish I could let it all go but some things are here to stay like the chronic, debilitating pain that I have to live with every single day. I can learn to cope with this kind of pain. The physical pain is so much easier to deal with then the emotional turmoil I have been living with.
I have also lived with anxiety. Anxious to whether Ron will continue to love me as I become more and more dependent on him. In truth, I know he will. He loves me with all his heart and tells me all the time he doesn't care if I lay in bed 24 hours a day as long as I am still here with him. I know he means it but the mind can be cruel. I also worry that the boys will regret the last few years where their mom spent so much time in bed. Will their only memory be of a mom who could do nothing?
I had anger. Angry for this. Angry for it all. But again, I have to let it die with the old me. The old Melody will die today and she can take all the anger, the guilt, all the anxiety, and all the grief with her. I am letting her go...but letting go is hard.
I have to let go of the shame. I have to let go of what was. I have to let go of the old dreams and learn to embrace the new ones. I have to change my perception of this new me...this new life. I have to find a new way to become a new wife, a new mom with the abilities and disabilities that I have. I will let go of the anger and bitterness. I have to ACCEPT my life as it is now and again, the only way to do that is to let the old life go.
C.S. Lewis once said "Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward."
I have been comparing my old life as my "happy life" and this life I am living now as my "sorrowful life" but that is no way to live. I am changing my attitude. My old life might have been my happy life but there is no reason that the life I am living now can't be rewritten to be my "amazing life".
The only way to do it is to let go. Let all that negative stuff behind and focus on the positive things. Taking care of my family through love and just being there for them. Taking care of myself and allowing myself to heal itself as much as it can through rest. I have to take care of my emotional well being by not trying to be perfect. Be happy that I am still alive and am surrounded by loved ones. I'm going to let it go and life will go on and it will be beautiful.
I know I will have bad days. There will be times when my spirits will sag. But I live in hope from now on. I have a purpose in life still. It is to be the best mom and best wife I can be. Things are not as they were but they can still be beautiful but in other ways. I will focus on the beauty of now!
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