Today is the day that I let go. I am letting it all go. What may you ask am I letting go? I'm letting go of the old me. Let's be honest, the old me is dead. Multiple Sclerosis killed her and there is no going back. Melody who once existed is gone. No matter how hard I try to revive her and bring her back...it's all in vain. It's all in vain and I am finally letting her go. I guess you could say I killed her.
 | ||
| Me a few years back dressed up for Halloween! |
 |
| Happier times. Ron, me and the boys went fishing and I caught one! |
For those of you who are new to my blog, my health is pretty bad. Not only do I have MS, but I also have heart problems. Right now I am trying to get enough money together to have an Aortic Valve replacement. My share of the surgery is $1900 and I have to pay it before they will schedule my surgery. I also have gout, gastroparesis, diverticulitis, and am an insulin-dependent diabetic. I have a LOT of things stacked against me.
 |
| Me in one of my hospital stays. |
 |
| Just me in the hospital again. |
Anyway, I am happily married to Ron, who is a disabled veteran (USMC). I have a 20 year old son named Brandon, but everyone calls him "Bubba" or "Bub". We also have a 14 year old autistic son who I am the main caregiver for. Ronny functions on about a 5-6 year old level.
 |
| Me and Ron kissing. |
Anyway, my whole goal in life....my dream since I was a little girl was to be a wife and momma. My greatest joy was being a housewife. I loved "keeping house". When Ron and I first got married, I woke up early every morning to cook Ron a nice homemade breakfast. While he was at work, I baked fresh bread. I made everything from scratch. I washed our clothes in a washtub with a scrub board, using the detergent I had made earlier. I kept our home super tidy and cared for the kids and played with them and loved them. When Ron came home from work, I would have a nice meal set for him at the table. When he needed a cup of coffee, I jumped up to get it for him. This might sound crazy to a lot of people but I LOVED it. It brought me such joy to care for my family. It might sound very old fashioned to some but I am an old fashioned person and life was wonderful.
All that began to change as my MS got worse and worse. My heart began to fail and I had NO energy. If you don't have MS or a heart disease, there is no way I can explain how exhausted I can get from just a short walk (from the bed to my desk). I am at the point now that I cannot even take care of my everyday needs on my own.
 |
| One of my bad days. Sick with fever and in a lot of pain. |
 |
| What I spend much of the day doing...sleeping. |
Ron has to help me to and from the bathroom. He has to help me sit down on the toilet and when I am done, he helps me up. My legs just won't work for me anymore. My limbs are so very weak that I am super limited on what I can and can't do. I went a month without being able to shower. I took daily sponge-baths but it is just not the same. My leg hairs and underarm hairs were getting so long and I hated it. I began to get depressed so Ron has begun coming to my desk and shaving my legs for me (and my underarms) so I can feel better about myself. Two nights ago, Ron sat up my shower chair and helped me into the shower and he helped me take a shower. My arms are so weak that taking a shower on my own is nearly impossible. I don't have the energy or strength to wash on my own. He gave me a shower and washed and conditioned my hair for me. I was so sick of the dry shampoo that I nearly cried while having my shower. It felt so good.
 |
| After my shower....with clean hair. Yay! |
The shower felt wonderful but at the same time it depressed me. How did I get from being the woman who takes care of everyone to the person who can't even bathe herself? To be honest, I am totally disgusted with myself! I am scared of the future. What my future will look like....
Do I even have a future anymore. I don't want to be a further burden on my family....
I have been grieving so long over my diagnosis and my life. I guess you can only grieve for so long. I have been grieving for what I once was and the thing I am now. In loss, we have to finally acknowledge the one is gone and try to move on. That is what I am doing today. I am finally ready to let her go. I cannot continue to live with this deep hate for myself; with this deep depression. I have to let go.
I wish I could let it all go but some things are here to stay like the chronic, debilitating pain that I have to live with every single day. I can learn to cope with this kind of pain. The physical pain is so much easier to deal with then the emotional turmoil I have been living with.
I have also lived with anxiety. Anxious to whether Ron will continue to love me as I become more and more dependent on him. In truth, I know he will. He loves me with all his heart and tells me all the time he doesn't care if I lay in bed 24 hours a day as long as I am still here with him. I know he means it but the mind can be cruel. I also worry that the boys will regret the last few years where their mom spent so much time in bed. Will their only memory be of a mom who could do nothing?
I had anger. Angry for this. Angry for it all. But again, I have to let it die with the old me. The old Melody will die today and she can take all the anger, the guilt, all the anxiety, and all the grief with her. I am letting her go...but letting go is hard.
I have to let go of the shame. I have to let go of what was. I have to let go of the old dreams and learn to embrace the new ones. I have to change my perception of this new me...this new life. I have to find a new way to become a new wife, a new mom with the abilities and disabilities that I have. I will let go of the anger and bitterness. I have to ACCEPT my life as it is now and again, the only way to do that is to let the old life go.
C.S. Lewis once said "Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward."
I have been comparing my old life as my "happy life" and this life I am living now as my "sorrowful life" but that is no way to live. I am changing my attitude. My old life might have been my happy life but there is no reason that the life I am living now can't be rewritten to be my "amazing life".
The only way to do it is to let go. Let all that negative stuff behind and focus on the positive things. Taking care of my family through love and just being there for them. Taking care of myself and allowing myself to heal itself as much as it can through rest. I have to take care of my emotional well being by not trying to be perfect. Be happy that I am still alive and am surrounded by loved ones. I'm going to let it go and life will go on and it will be beautiful.
I know I will have bad days. There will be times when my spirits will sag. But I live in hope from now on. I have a purpose in life still. It is to be the best mom and best wife I can be. Things are not as they were but they can still be beautiful but in other ways. I will focus on the beauty of now!
I shared this blog post with the following blogs and link parties:
Tuesdays with a Twist
Wonderful Wednesday
Happy Now Blog Link Up
To Grandma's House We Go
Raising Homemakers
Tuesday's with a Twist
Better Hens & Gardens
Dishing it & Digging it Link Party
Cooking and Crafting with J & J
Inspire me Tuesday
Inspire Me Monday
The Happy Now Blog Link Up
Tuesdays at our Home
Thursday Favorite Things (Marilyns Treats)
My daughter deals with this as well because she has chronic neurological Lyme disease, which has the same type of symptoms. I am not sure what the meds are that she takes, but they have done wonders. She says they are her " witches brew" and they are how she gets through days that are really bad. I know Ritalin really helped her with not feeling like getting out of bed.
ReplyDeleteYou can't let the illness define you! She learned that quickly as she was 17 years old when it was finally diagnosed and she made a choice to not let it take over!! She struggles but she lives!!
I am sorry your daughter suffers from Lyme disease. It can be brutal. I will be praying for her. I was diagnosed with MS about 15 years ago.
DeleteI grieve the old self with you, but I rejoice in the new, as well! I have followed you for quite a while, so though you don't know me, I feel like a friend. I prayed for you then, I pray for you now, I will continue to pray for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteThough not to the extent of your health struggles, I too have challenges. I had a stroke last year and was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. Trying to get my sugar down has been a struggle. Last week I had to go on insulin...something I was fighting tooth and nail. I don't want to die, so I had to give in and boy am I feeling better!
Please do whatever you need to do! God sees your struggle and loves you! Take heart, stay strong, stay courageous!
Finally, I'd like to leave you with one of my favorite Bible verses. Everyday is a gift
"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." - Psalm 118:24
Blessings in Christ,
Angie
Angie, thank you so much. I appreciate your friendship and support so much...especially the prayers. They sure help. I am a diabetic too on insulin so if you ever need to chat, inbox me on FB. I will be praying for you.
DeleteI admire your honesty and strength. I will be praying for u. Thank u for a wonderful blog. I'm sure u are a wonderful wife and mother and that u have many blessings coming your way.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I just wrote from the heart and let my feelings flow out.
DeleteWow! What a story . My heart aches for you as we are so similar in loving homemaking and being a wife. I have disabling osteo arthritis and RA. I will pray for you. I can’t help financially as we are struggling and my husband is having surgery again this month . I will PRAY!!
ReplyDeleteThank you. Osteo and RA are so debilitating too. I will be praying for you. Praying for your hubby too and hope that his surgery turns out good. Prayers are wonderful and muchly appreciated.
DeleteI do not want to sound cliche' but God is still in the healing business. Your life is not over until it is over and you are in the ground. I suffered with mitral valve issues since I was young and they told me by the time I was the age I am now I would more than likely have to have a replacement. God has touched my valve so much on my last echo it was not even noticeable. When before it was a very evident back flow of blood. I have had other issues as well in my life that God has delivered me from. But I just want to know, I speak life over you, life over your heart, your body, your finances, your home and your family. LIFE, strength, power, joy, renewal of all good things. God loves you and your desire to be what He ordained women to be above all things. Wife and mother. I truly believe this and He sees your heart, your desires and dreams. They did not die because you got a diagnosis. The name of Jesus is above every name, the breathe of God gives life from dirt. Please do not give up or give in, call on Him who created you. Rebuke illness and do not let the enemy steal, kill or destroy what God has built in you and your family. Speak life over yourself not death, for there is great power in our tongue and the words we speak. I pray that one day God brings a man into my life that will love me and my sons unconditionally and deeply as yours does. He is a true example of a Godly man loving and caring for you his beautiful wife. God bless, love in Christ, your Facebook friend, Dawn G.
ReplyDeleteDawn, I agree. God is in the healing business and I get my strength from Him. God healed my son when he was born and will wait patiently for Him to do so for me. Thank you for your encouraging words. I do appreciate them. I am praying for you.
DeleteMay God bless you and keep you in the palm of his hands to try and ease your pain and suffering.
ReplyDeletePamela, thank you so much. I appreciate you and thank you for stopping by my blog. I have enjoyed your comments so much on my FB page.
DeleteAs a survivor of a massive stroke which has left me disabled, I can really relate to this I wish you all the luck in the world for the future, let's keep fighting together #overthemoon@_karendennis
ReplyDeleteKaren, thank you. Praying for you!
DeleteThank you for sharing your journey. It sounds like you are a wonderful wife and mother. It must pain you not to be able to do what you used to do keeping your family. I love your resolve to find joy despite your circumstances. Also what a wonderful understanding husband, a huge blessing for you.
ReplyDeleteGod is always seeking His children, His creation. He longs to bless you when you seek His truth.
My son turned 13 years of diabetes around in two months with diet, not the diet his doctor recommended.
All food is good, but when we are not well our body cannot tolerate all foods, sometimes we need to modify what we eat so that we can heal.
I will leave you a link to Dr. Terry Wahls video, she turned her MS around. She started by seeking the right foods to eat.
https://youtu.be/lJT4gRUlpkc There are lots of other videos from her that may encourage you.
There is hope. Hope is a wonderful gift.
I was able to leave you a small gift, I wish it was much more. I will feature your post on the next Blogger's Pit Stop, so that others can appreciate your effort and circumstances.
Love, Kathleen
Blogger's Pit Stop
Thank you for allowing me to link up with you Kathleen. I really appreciate it I also appreciate your kind words and for you sharing with me about your family. I will be sure to check out that video. Thanks for sending it to me. Your generosity was greatly appreciated. (((hugs)))
DeleteI too have MS and share your struggles. Most days I'm doing just fine on the other days I rest in bed and read. I love books so I'm always looking to consider this a "treat" rather than a burden! I have to use my walker and my cane more than I like but even though I'm slow I can get around my home and take care of things. Having been a super fast, quick mover and thinker for most of my life this has been a challenge to get used to. But I'm 70 now (diagnosed when I was 45 but I think I had it for years before that) so some slowing is natural I guess.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I might be able to help you with is the pain. mFor years I almost lost my mind with the neuropathy. I never slept because of the pain so that added to misery. THEN one day I tried Gin Raisins (Google them) and a week later my life improved immeasurably! That was almost 15 years ago and they have worked wonders ever since. Because for whatever miraculous reason they work to control inflamation so they work with all kinds of pain. I have friends who eat them to control pain in their knees, their shoulders, elbows, ankles, feet....well you name it and the pain subsides. It doesn't happen over night but over a period of several days or a week or two you will notice that the pain is no longer there. I put Golden Raisins (walmart) into a ball jar and cover them with distilled Gin. Let them sit (the directions say 30 days but I only waited a couple of days). Just set the cover on the ball jar but don't tighten it because the alcohol will evaporate leaving only the medicinal properties. I'm not a gin fan so I like to make them by the half gallon and let them sit for months then they taste really good. When I make them I usually have 6-8 half gallons in the pantry "cooking". That way I can eat them and have some to give to people who want to try them. Dozens of people in my life eat them now!
I was so desperate for pain relief when I found these but I could not take the pain meds without my blood pressure skyrocketing so these have become my most important healing tool. Even a couple of my doctors eat them now! Try them out and stick with it for a few weeks at least and see how much difference they will make. Google them for testimonials.
Blessings to you on this journey. Hopefully you will find a way to make this new chapter work a little easier for you.
Jan, I am so sorry you suffer from MS too. I love your attitude and will try to learn from it. I will look into Gin Raisins. Thank you for letting me know about them. How many do you eat a day and how often in a day? I am all for any help I can get. I recently started using CBD oil and it is helping some but would prefer something personally recommended (and cheaper to boot). Again, thank you.
DeleteThank you for such an honest, vulnerable post. May you find the peace you are seeking. Sending lots of love and healing energy to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteYou are very welcome Christie. Thank you.
DeleteI also suffer from ms and just got out of the hospital and they tell me all they can say is it is progressing I went from walking 4days ago to can't walk anymore and they say there is they could do so I feel your painane I pray for you and your family I know your struggles stay strong
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you suffer from MS too. I will be praying for you. Feel free to message me anytime you need to talk. It is best to message me on my FB blog page...I am on most of the day and night there.
DeleteI am sorry to hear of your suffering. I work with a wonderful lady who also has MS. She has had some very bad days but happily is having good ones now.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. Hugs to you and the lady you treat!
Delete