Letting Go!

    Today is the day that I let go.  I am letting it all go.  What may you ask am I letting go?  I'm letting go of the old me.  Let's be honest, the old me is dead.  Multiple Sclerosis killed her and there is no going back.  Melody who once existed is gone.  No matter how hard I try to revive her and bring her back...it's all in vain.  It's all in vain and I am finally letting her go.  I guess you could say I killed her.  

 

Me a few years back dressed up for Halloween!

 

 

Happier times.  Ron, me and the boys went fishing and I caught one!

    For those of you who are new to my blog, my health is pretty bad.  Not only do I have MS, but I also have heart problems.  Right now I am trying to get enough money together to have an Aortic Valve replacement.  My share of the surgery is $1900 and I have to pay it before they will schedule my surgery.  I also have gout, gastroparesis, diverticulitis, and am an insulin-dependent diabetic.  I have a LOT of things stacked against me.  

Me in one of my hospital stays.

Just me in the hospital again.

      Anyway, I am happily married to Ron, who is a disabled veteran (USMC).  I have a 20 year old son named Brandon, but everyone calls him "Bubba" or "Bub".  We also have a 14 year old autistic son who I am the main caregiver for.  Ronny functions on about a 5-6 year old level.  

Me and Ron kissing.  

    Anyway, my whole goal in life....my dream since I was a little girl was to be a wife and momma.  My greatest joy was being a housewife.  I loved "keeping house".  When Ron and I first got married, I woke up early every morning to cook Ron a nice homemade breakfast.  While he was at work, I baked fresh bread.  I made everything from scratch.  I washed our clothes in a washtub with a scrub board, using the detergent I had made earlier.  I kept our home super tidy and cared for the kids and played with them and loved them.  When Ron came home from work, I would have a nice meal set for him at the table.  When he needed a cup of coffee, I jumped up to get it for him.  This might sound crazy to a lot of people but I LOVED it.  It brought me such joy to care for my family.  It might sound very old fashioned to some but I am an old fashioned person and life was wonderful. 

     All that began to change as my MS got worse and worse.  My heart began to fail and I had NO energy.  If you don't have MS or a heart disease, there is no way I can explain how exhausted I can get from just a short walk (from the bed to my desk).  I am at the point now that I cannot even take care of my everyday needs on my own.  

One of my bad days.  Sick with fever and in a lot of pain. 

What I spend much of the day doing...sleeping.

     Ron has to help me to and from the bathroom.  He has to help me sit down on the toilet and when I am done, he helps me up.  My legs just won't work for me anymore.  My limbs are so very weak that I am super limited on what I can and can't do.  I went a month without being able to shower.  I took daily sponge-baths but it is just not the same.  My leg hairs and underarm hairs were getting so long and I hated it.  I began to get depressed so Ron has begun coming to my desk and shaving my legs for me (and my underarms) so I can feel better about myself.  Two nights ago, Ron sat up my shower chair and helped me into the shower and he helped me take a shower.  My arms are so weak that taking a shower on my own is nearly impossible.  I don't have the energy or strength to wash on my own.   He gave me a shower and washed and conditioned my hair for me.  I was so sick of the dry shampoo that I nearly cried while having my shower.  It felt so good. 

After my shower....with clean hair.  Yay!

     The shower felt wonderful but at the same time it depressed me.  How did I get from being the woman who takes care of everyone to the person who can't even bathe herself?  To be honest, I am totally disgusted with myself!  I am scared of the future.  What my future will look like....

 

    Do I even have a future anymore.  I don't want to be a further burden on my family....

    I have been grieving so long over my diagnosis and my life.  I guess you can only grieve for so long.  I have been grieving for what I once was and the thing I am now.  In loss, we have to finally acknowledge the one is gone and try to move on.  That is what I am doing today.  I am finally ready to let her go.  I cannot continue to live with this deep hate for myself; with this deep depression.    I have to let go.  

 

    I wish I could let it all go but some things are here to stay like the chronic, debilitating pain that I have to live with every single day.  I can learn to cope with this kind of pain.  The physical pain is so much easier to deal with then the emotional turmoil I have been living with.  

    I have also lived with anxiety.  Anxious to whether Ron will continue to love me as I become more and more dependent on him.  In truth, I know he will.  He loves me with all his heart and tells me all the time he doesn't care if I lay in bed 24 hours a day as long as I am still here with him.  I know he means it but the mind can be cruel.  I also worry that the boys will regret the last few years where their mom spent so much time in bed.  Will their only memory be of a mom who could do nothing?  

      I had anger.  Angry for this.  Angry for it all.  But again, I have to let it die with the old me.  The old Melody will die today and she can take all the anger, the guilt, all the anxiety, and all the grief with her.  I am letting her go...but letting go is hard.  

    I have to let go of the shame.  I have to let go of what was.  I have to let go of the old dreams and learn to embrace the new ones.  I have to change my perception of this new me...this new life.  I have to find a new way to become a new wife, a new mom with the abilities and disabilities that I have.  I will let go of the anger and bitterness.  I have to ACCEPT my life as it is now and again, the only way to do that is to let the old life go.  

    C.S. Lewis once said "Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars.  You have to let go at some point in order to move forward."   

     I have been comparing my old life as my "happy life" and this life I am living now as my "sorrowful life" but that is no way to live.  I am changing my attitude.  My old life might have been my happy life but there is no reason that the life I am living now can't be rewritten to be my "amazing life".  

       The only way to do it is to let go.  Let all that negative stuff behind and focus on the positive things.  Taking care of my family through love and just being there for them.  Taking care of myself and allowing myself to heal itself as much as it can through rest.  I have to take care of my emotional well being by not trying to be perfect.  Be happy that I am still alive and am surrounded by loved ones.  I'm going to let it go and life will go on and it will be beautiful.  

     I know I will have bad days.  There will be times when my spirits will sag.  But I live in hope from now on.  I have a purpose in life still.  It is to be the best mom and best wife I can be.  Things are not as they were but they can still be beautiful but in other ways. I will focus on the beauty of now!

    

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Wearever Review & GIVEAWAY

    Disclosure: I got this product as part of an advertorial.

     Let's talk about a subject many people shy away from.  Incontinence.  But hey, it happens.  Women who have had children know what I am talking about.  People who suffer from medical conditions (MS, like me for one) and many others.  I recently had a chance to review a pair of incontinence panties from Wearever that have a built in pad that can be washed and reused up to 200 times.  I do not have the problem too often but the cost of disposable pads is outrageous and a real strain on the budget.  The panties are comfortable and discreet--two things I really appreciate about the product.
    They come in a variety of designs for women and have sizes from small up to 3XL.  The men's come in boxer or briefs and go from small to 3XL also.

     I also got to review a pair of the company's diabetic socks.  They are 100% cotton and do not have elastic at the top to cut into your skin and cause irritation or to affect your circulation.  They were lightweight and did not make my feet hurt like many others have in the past.  The socks come in either anklets or knee highs with a nice range of sizes.

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    I received one or more of the products mentioned above for free using Tomoson.com. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers.

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MS (Multiple Sclerosis), Not my Friend

  It has been a bit since I've written about my MS.  Main reason, it is just not a fun subject!  :-(  Besides, with the cooler weather, I had been experiencing a few months of relief but it has come back with a vengeance the past few days.  Some people's MS gets worse in the winter but mine usually improves.  We have experienced a really warm winter of late, today it is in the mid-60's here, so maybe that has triggered it.
      Yesterday I had the "freaking" out stuff.  All sensations and noises seemed to be amplified.  I was scared and had to have my hubby near me all day.  I get to the point that I am almost panicking and I hate that feeling because usually, I am such a strong person.
     Today, those feelings are better but I am having serious eye issues.  My right eye is just not cooperating with me.  It is seeming to "lag behind" the other eye.  It is having spasms and feels "saggy" too.  It is more annoying than anything.
    One of the hardest parts of MS is people just don't understand the disease.  Like when I am on edge, people tell me "it's okay, just relax" but it is not that simple.  Or they say "my friend (or aunt, etc.) had MS and they didn't have that symptom, are you sure you have MS?"  Yes, I am sure and so is the doctor.  :-)  MS has pages of symptoms and it is never the same for two people.  Depression is something that comes with it also and we have no control over the feelings we get.  Be sympathetic and supportive please.

    If you would like to read more about my MS, here is another post.

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The Better Mom

My Life with Multiple Sclerosis

My life with MS

     Life with Multiple Sclerosis (MS) is not fun nor is it easy.  Are there others out there worse off than me?  You betcha!  This is not a post to whine and complain, it is just to share with you some of the things I go through because of MS.

1.    Chronic pain.  Yes, I have pain EVERY single day.  My husband is always telling me I am the toughest person he knows.  I don’t believe it.  I am not tough; far from it.  I feel like all I do is complain or whine.   I have trouble sleeping because of the pain.  I have pain in my arms, legs and feet primarily.  I have pains that come and go; some that never go away; burning pain; stabbing pain; throbbing pain and dull pain. 

2.    Vitamins (and lots of them).  I currently take Fiber (sluggish bowels ever since I was diagnosed); 1700 IU of Vitamin D; 1130mg Calcium; 8500 IU Vitamin A; 1100 mg of Vitamin C; 35 IU of Vitamin E; 5 mg Vitamin B6; 255 mg Selenium; 1000 mg fish oil; 250 mg Chromium; and a multi-vitamin.  There are several other vitamins that are recommended but I can only buy so much at a time. 

3.    Foot Drop.  This is where you can’t really lift the front part of your foot.  When this happens to me (which occurs at least once a week), I just kind of swing my leg around.  Keeps me from falling as much. 

4.    Fatigue.  Unless you have MS, you just don’t get it.  I suffer from unimaginable fatigue.  It isn’t just I worked all day and I’m bushed.  I do nothing all day long and still need naps.  I get so tired I cry because I’m tired.  I am so tired that I can’t function a great deal of the time.  I am sure part of the reason is lack of sleep.  I toss and turn and wake up at least 10 times a night due to pain, etc. 

5.    Urinary, digestive and bowel problems.  Nuf said.

6.    Leg and arm pain.  There are times that I feel like a screw driver is stuck through my muscles of my right arm or my right leg.  It is usually sudden and can stay for 5 minutes or 5 days. 

7.    Feet pain.  For the past 2-3 weeks, it feels like I am walking on nails or that nails are pushed up through the bottom of my feet.   This pain is nearly constant.  On top of this, at least once a day, I get a sharp sudden pain in one of my feet like I just stepped on a sharp piece of glass and it is deep inside my toe.  This often happens when I am on the bed and only when I push on the area that is hurting will the pain let up.  Or I get a pain along my toe nails that feels like someone just shoved a toothpick under my nail.  Sounds fun, huh?

8.    Balance issues.  If you should see me out walking (which you won’t, I do not get out much anymore) half the time you would probably think I was drunk.  I am always walking into walls. 

9.    Depression.  I get so depressed at times it is scary.  I hate it.  I have a great husband and great kids.  I have no reason to be so sad but I can’t control the feelings. 

10. Cognitive issues.  This one probably bugs me the most.  I used to be the most organized person in the world.  I could remember pretty much everything and could multi-task like no other.  Now,….please!  I have memory issues.  I can’t drive alone anymore.  I will forget where I am going.  Get lost in my own town.  Get scared.  Not know where I am even at.  I get confused over the littlest things.  I hold a Bachelor’s degree and now I have trouble putting thoughts together, spelling, etc. 

11. Speech issues:  This is one of the more embarrassing.  I get to stuttering a lot now.  I will try to say something and I am like a broken record and get “stuck” on one word and repeat it 4-5 times.  I may try to say one word and I say a completely different word.  I may have trouble forming sentences correctly.  I try to say them but the words get rearranged by the time they come out of my mouth. 

12. Swallowing difficulties.  There are times I can’t swallow.  Lots of the times, I do not even have anything in my mouth.  It is just like my body has forgotten how to swallow.  When it happens I almost feel like I am choking or drowning.  It is scary.

One of my biggest complaints is people who say things like “Oh, I knew someone with MS and they didn’t’ have anything like that.  Are you sure you have it?”   Ugh!  MS is not the same for everyone.  Different people have different symptoms.  Do you know there are over 70 different symptoms with MS?  Click here or here to read more.

If you know someone who suffers from MS, be there for them.  Please do not say “well, get some rest and you’ll feel better” or “hope you feel better soon”.  It is not like a cold.  It is not going to go away.  There are good days and bad days but it is an incurable disease.  Be sympathetic.  Help out when you can by cooking a meal, doing some laundry or just listening to them.  Let them know they are not worthless; they are still the same person. 

Thanks for letting me share about this awful disease.

If you would like to read about my other Health Issues, you can do so here. 

 

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Overstretched

   Have you ever felt like an overstretched rubber band?  Where you have been pulled in all different directions for too long?  That is how I have been feeling lately.  My MS (multiple sclerosis) has been acting up and we opened up our Fireworks Store this week.  That means I am down there at the store from the 15th of June until the 4th of July, every single day from 9:30 a.m. until 10 p.m. or as late as 1 a.m.  No days off.  On top of that, I have the boys down here with me so I am entertaining them to boot.  I also have my college studies to do (Master's Degree program) and normal life duties.  I am not trying to complain but am just running on empty and need a recharge.  Pray for me.  Pray for our Fireworks store.  Be well!